After a month on the job, I need some kind of outlet for all the shit ( literally and figuratively) that I deal with on a day to day basis. Names have been changed to prevent me from being sued or fired. 

So here it is. Today marks Day 1. 

I arrived at the Smith* household at 7:40 am. 

All seemed normal. The girls were asleep and Mom was getting ready to work. 

But then I saw it. A brand new puppy. He was quite adorable, but the pee pads all over the house told me that he was going to be a handful. 

At 8:00 am Mom left for work. Moments later, as if knowing I was completely alone and vulnerable, the screeching wails of both girls are heard from the upstairs bedroom. 

I proceed up the stairs, with caution. 

Upon entering the room, I realize that Baby Ana* must have had some major stomach issues that morning, and I am immediately filled with dread. Upon inspection of her diaper, I see that Mom has already taken care of it. Bullet dodged.

Baby Ana is easily pacified with a hug and a smile.

But Toddler Becky is not so simple. 

She wants her Mom. She wants to know why Mom is at work, why Mom has to go to work, when Mom will return from work, and why Mom returns home at that time, and she wants to know all this RIGHT NOW. 

I am finally able to silence her with bribes that involve taking the new puppy for a walk and cereal for breakfast. Toddler Becky’s standards are not very high. 

At 8:25 am both girls are dressed and ready to eat their breakfast. 

Baby Ana sits happily in her highchair, eagerly awaiting the arrival of oatmeal in her mouth via the spoon airplane flown by yours truly. 

Toddler Becky has decided she is not hungry. Instead, she wants to play with the new puppy. 

I allow this. 

Baby Ana is on her second bowl of oatmeal when I hear the desperate yelping of new puppy. Toddler Becky is holding him in the air by it’s ears, adding insult to injury by screaming in it’s little face how much she loves it. 

I calmly tell Toddler Becky that this is not okay. She insists that he likes it. 

After I finish feeding Baby Ana the remainder of the oatmeal, Toddler Becky demands that we bring new puppy for a walk in the wagon. 

At 8:45 am I have successfully carried both girls, and new puppy, to the garage, open the door, and place all three of them in the wagon. 

We begin our downhill walk to the lake. 

After successfully preventing the wagon from speeding down the 90 degree incline, thus crushing me and seriously injuring the girls, we arrive by the side of the lake. 

Toddler Becky wants to go swimming. 

She has no care for the fact that it is October, and she doesn’t have a bathing suit on. 

After wrestling her away from the water’s edge, she insists on holding new puppy’s leash. 

I concede to this, as Baby Ana has just fallen face first off a bench, and I am busy checking for brain damage. 

After ensuring that Baby Ana is completely fine, I notice Toddler Becky has decided new puppy needs to walk. Therefore, she trumps back and forth across the sand, dragging new puppy behind her. 

New Puppy is not happy. He tries his hardest to dig his feet into the ground, but Toddler Becky just keeps pulling, and he soon finds himself being dragged, face down, through the sand. 

I decide it is time to go. 

At 9:15 am, onnce again both girls, and new puppy, are in the wagon, and we are making our way up the 90 degree incline. And I’m pulling the wagon. 

I stop every three steps or so. The wagon itself much weight 25 lbs, and the girls plus new puppy aren’t helping. 

Toddler Becky repeatedly yells at me for stopping. 

I now have a better understanding of what sled dogs feel like. Thank God there was no whip involved. 

When we arrive home, the wagon goes in the garage, and both girls, plus new puppy, get carried into the house. 

Now they are hungry. 

Baby Ana is always hungry. She gets unbelievably excited at even the slightest movement you make towards the fridge. 

But now Toddler Becky is hungry. And when Toddler Becky is hungry, Toddler Becky has to eat, immediately. 

I pour the largest bowl of Cheerios possible. 

I ask Toddler Becky if she can share the same bowl with her sister. 

She insists that this is totally okay. 

Moments later I witness Toddler Becky tackle Baby Ana to the ground and run off with the Cheerios. 

I remind her that she is supposed to be sharing. 

She whines that she is. 

I get Baby Ana her own bowl of Cheerios. 

10:00 am rolls around. Only three more hours until Mom comes home. 

Toddler Becky talks to herself in the corner, where I have placed her for throwing new puppy at her sister. 

After a few moments she turns to me and says, I’m Scary.

I could not agree more. 

By 10:30 am Toddler Becky has completely lost control. I send her to her room. 

Moments later she is on the stairs bellowing. 

I become concerned a neighbor may be about to call the police. 

I make a mild attempt to find out what is wrong. 

Toddler Becky just wants to cry. Toddler Becky doesn’t want to come downstairs. Toddler Becky doesn’t like me. 

She momentarily brings her little hand up as if to slap me, but reconsiders. 

I can empathize with Toddler Becky.

I don’t really like her either. 

Toddler Becky screams for the next two hours. 

New puppy sleeps. I envy him. 

Baby Ana sits happily in her play pen, and blows bubbles with her own spit. 

Occasionally when she starts to look a little cranky I stick my tongue out. 

This keeps her entertained for 25 minutes. 

Mom comes home 30 minutes early. 

I’m so happy I could cry. 

Toddler Becky immediately stops crying and informs Mom what a wonderful day she had. 

I casually mention the record breaking temper tantrum. 

Mom thinks that’s so funny.

I barely have enough energy to fake a smile. 

She pays me the reasonable sum of money we had agreed upon before I knew that one of her children was possessed by Satan, and there was a puppy involved. 

See you next week!

She says this cheerily as I leave. 

I don’t even want to think about every doing this again.